Ricky Gervais makes everything better: The Office, podcasts, movies, and now he even adds his special magic to a song with Elmo.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Elmo, Ricky Gervais, Sesame Street | 2 Comments »
While leaving for work, I spotted this Darwin Award candidate. The installation guy for our local cable company thought it would be smart to lean his metal extension ladder directly onto the overhead power lines. Doesn’t he know that climbing on ladders always leads to trouble?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged A shocking situation, A spark of inspiration for a post, Darwin Award, Get a charge out of this, Guys on ladders, Wave Broadband | Leave a Comment »
I thought that I was a cheapskate dad. But compared with the family staying with us for Christmas, I look like Mr. Moneybags.
- I kept finding paper towels all over the kitchen counters and, being a neat freak, I kept throwing them away. Then my mother-in-law yelled at me for throwing away the paper towels she wasn’t done with. This explains why I found a pile of used paper towels on top of her dryer during our last visit. Apparently, if a paper towel is only used to wipe up water she will lay it out to dry and then reuse it later. I showed her that I have a vast supply of paper towels thanks to Costco, but she was undeterred. There’s already another pile of drying paper towels growing on my kitchen counter.
- I had to go pick up a family member early this morning, so I decided to stop by McDonald’s on the way back and grabbed a bunch of items from their $1 breakfast menu. I thought I was being frugal by ordering the cheap items, but I was put to shame within an hour of arriving at home. My mother-in-law decided to wash the plastic spoons that came with the McDonald’s fruit & yogurt parfaits in case we wanted to use them again later. I showed her our lovely drawer of silverware, but I might have had an easier time getting her to part with her pet cat then getting her to drop the plastic utensils in the trash. I suspect that she later removed the plastic spoons from the garbage when I wasn’t looking. It wouldn’t surprise me.
- I noticed that whenever my in-laws visit, they always use bottles of shampoo taken from hotels.
- The family no longer tries to save the wrapping paper on the presents. But boxes and bows are still fair game. I think the same bow has appeared on my Christmas gifts three years in a row.
- If Santa leaves candy in your stocking, check the expiration date. You never know when he may have bought the supply of stocking stuffers – but you can assume they were bought on sale or with a coupon.
- I learned that any kind of food item can be frozen. I may disagree with the family about how edible the items are when thawed, but if you looked into the freezers at my in-law’s house (they have a second in the garage just to store more random items), you’d find a plethora of frozen food from various decades. If there is a nuclear winter, you could live for years as long as you don’t mind the taste of frostbite.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged cheapskate dad, In-laws, Tales of the cheap | Leave a Comment »
For a while there, I thought I was the only one bemused by how often the “doofy husband” cliche was used in TV commercials. And then I found this video and felt better knowing at least one other person out there understands how lame the stereotype can be.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged doofy husbands, lame commercials, stereotypes about men | Leave a Comment »
The show Hoarders is my latest TV obsession and, if you haven’t seen the show, you really should give it a look. There’s something fascinating about seeing how these people manage to live in homes filled with junk from floor to ceiling. The stories all seem to follow the same path: someone starts by collecting a few items, a significant event happens in their life (death of family member, lost job, etc) and then the person’s collecting spirals out of control into full blown hoarding. The person then hides away in their house and is too embarrassed to invite people over because of the mess.
I noticed that parenting takes us on a similar cycle as we start collecting baby items, then the kid arrives, and suddenly our houses are overwhelmed with baby items. Pretty soon, we’re struggling to keep the place clean and are reluctant to invite friends over out of embarrassment from the mess. Two of the main things which cause parental hoarding are friends and family baring gifts and fatigue from the fog of parenthood.
First things first – the gifts from friends and family. With Christmas just a couple days away, I am already dreading the avalanche of toys that will arrive under the tree. Mind you, I am a responsible parent and try to find toys that are educational, fun and don’t have batteries (which usually = noise). However, friends and family are not so considerate and get a devilish bit of delight out of giving my kid the noisiest damn toy they can find on the shelf. For instance, my father in law shipped us a box full of gifts for my son. Included in that box were two packages of batteries. I can’t tell you how terrified I am of the noise that will arrive on Christmas day.
But noise aside, there is the more important issue of figuring out where all these toys will go. My son is only a year and a half old and already has amassed an impressive collection of junk. My current system for keeping things organized is to divide the toys among several grocery bags and one huge Tupperware tub (thanks Container Store). The tub lives out in the TV room and is his basic stash of toys & books. Then every week, I rotate out one of the bags of toys that I keep hidden in the guest room. This way, Matthew has a consistent set of toys to play with, but also sees something new every week to keep his interest up. The rest of the mess, lives in the guest room closet, neatly organized into bags on a shelf where it would be near impossible for me to trip over them while drunk or wandering around the house at night.
The other factor to the problem of parental hoarding is what I call the fog of parenthood. It is that horrible lack of sleep you have to deal with which leaves you wondering if you’re awake or sleepwalking at times. When you’re barely functioning on an hour or two of sleep, it is near impossible to concentrate at work let alone have the energy to clean your place when you get home. At my work, there are several people who each had a kid about the same time and I’ve noticed that we’ll all have a haggard look in the morning occasionally. Of course, the 20-somethings at work come in sleep deprived as well, but that’s usually from a night of drinking or debauchery. I remember when having to hold my roommate’s hair back during a puke fest was a bad night. I never imagined that a night dealing with a sick kid who can’t be comforted would make the roommate situation seem like a cakewalk.
I’ve read some of the parent blogs out there give the advice that it is ok to let the little things go. I think the phrase “if its pee, let it be” was even used on one blog to say it is ok to wait to change a diaper if there isn’t #2 involved. I take the opposite approach and believe it is important to keep up on the little things, otherwise you’ll get overwhelmed when the big things hit.
For instance, every night after my son goes to bed I spend 10 minutes walking around the house grabbing all the various toys and putting them back into the tub in the TV room. I make sure all of the dishes and bottles are in the dishwasher and start it running. If there’s a mess on the table from dinner, I wipe down the table so it is clean for breakfast the following morning. Yes, this all takes time. But having this routine helps me keep my house picked up and somewhat in order in case something big happens.
For instance, if Matthew is sick and has a rough night, I know that I have extra clean bottles because I run the dishwasher regularly. I know that I’m not going to sprain an ankle walking through the house half asleep, because I picked up the junk before I went to bed. And I have the comfort that comes with knowing my house is somewhat presentable in case my neighbor or a friend happens to drop by unexpectedly.
Rudolph Giuliani called the concept of taking care of the little things his broken windows philosophy. His example was that if you saw several busted windows at an abandoned warehouse, you’d be more likely to throw a rock at a window than in all of the windows were intact. He looked at it from a crime perspective – that if you saw graffiti on a wall, there is a greater likelihood that you wouldn’t care about vandalizing the wall yourself. But if the wall had been freshly painted, you would be less likely to be the first to spray paint your initials.
I view clutter and messes the same way. If I let the little things go, I’m more likely to ignore it until the problem gets overwhelming. If I don’t keep up on the dishes, soon enough there is a pile in the sink and it takes multiple loads in the dishwasher to get them all. In the meantime, I don’t want anyone to come over because the kitchen is a mess. If I don’t pick up the toys every night, pretty soon they are scattered throughout the house and I will end up hurting myself by stepping on one. I also won’t care if the house if picked up if I’m used to seeing the toys strewn all over the place.
Sure, I’ll admit to being a bit of a neat freak at times, but I do think it makes it easier for new parents to keep the chaos under control when you stay on top of things instead of letting it build into a bigger mess. However you decide to tackle the chores of parenthood, put some sort of system in place so you can tackle the problem in bits. It is easy to get overwhelmed when you have a huge pile of laundry, a mess of toys or a sink full of dishes and no easy way to get the chaos under control.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged cleaning house, fog of parenthood, hoarding, lack of sleep, toys that make noise | Leave a Comment »
Sometimes I wonder if Christmas gave me an ulcer as a kid. I mean, it is a special kind of torture kids go through in the days leading up to the holiday. There’s a tree full of presents with your name on them. But oh no, don’t even think about opening them. You have to wait. And those thoughts of shaving the dog again…better put those on hold until December 26. Santa is watching your every move right up until the moment his sleigh touches down on your roof – so you’d better be good. As much as I love the holiday season, there’s no getting around that the anticipation you feel as a kid can be so strong it is almost palpable.
As a newish dad, I’m finally on the other side of things – putting the presents under the tree and making vague threats about Santa’s all-seeing-eye. But I am finding there’s an entirely different set of pressures as a father. In this case, I am trying everything I can (short of hiring some drunkard to dress up as Santa) to ensure my son has great holiday memories. When I look back on things, I don’t necessarily remember all the gifts I received over the years, but I do remember the excitement of the day, a nervous pain in my stomach (that ulcer again) and how it was one of the few times when my whole family came together. Those childhood memories are what matter most, I muttered to myself, as I stood in line today at Costco while finishing up my holiday shopping.
My fondest memory of Christmas was also one of the most embarrassing at the time. I come from a family of practical jokers and the holiday season was a great opportunity to wrap something random up with a bow all for the sake of a good laugh. Aside from monkey jokes, my grandpa loved nothing more than to plant at least one gag gift for me to find each year. And while I didn’t think my Christmas ulcer could take any more stress, I somehow managed to make it through years of weird clown dolls, baby rattles, and other nonsense disguised as legit Christmas gifts.
There is something to be said about the cruel predicament of wanting to open a wrapped gift because you’re really hoping for that Nintendo system and also knowing that the box could very well be filled with rocks. Christmas often felt like an episode of “Let’s Make a Deal.” I kept accepting the presents my grandpa would hand me from under the tree, but knew that eventually Door #3 would open and I’d have to deal with my relatives laughing as I opened a Barbie doll.
In retrospect, I have to admit that my grandpa was a damn funny guy. Who else could know a gorilla mask wrapped in candy cane paper and tied up with a bow would bring so much laughter to the family? I’m not sure if my son has the stomach for a Christmas ulcer just yet, but I am tempted to continue this little tradition. Sure, I’ll be the one enjoying the laugh now, but hopefully he will have his own set of holiday memories to look back on someday.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Barbie, childhood memories, Christmas, Christmas Practical Jokes, Christmas Ulcer, grandpa story | 2 Comments »
Oregon Food Bank
We’ve all heard about how the financial meltdown trashed our banking system. But I have to admit that until today, I never considered how the economy was impacting our local food banks. I spent some time today at the Oregon Food Bank and was surprised to hear just how much the recession has changed the way they do business.
First there is the obvious, people have less so they donate less. It also wasn’t too shocking to hear more people are visiting the Food Bank these days. But I was surprised that they are seeing double digit growth in the number of people coming by. I didn’t realize it was that bad. The woman leading the tour said they’ve continuously get tearful calls from people who never visited a food bank before and aren’t sure where to turn for help. It breaks my heart to hear these kinds of things.
Today’s work wasn’t the most glamorous thing. I just spent a couple hours bagging and boxing up several hundred pounds of macaroni. But it was nice to hear that even the small amount the group collectively processed would feed about 4,000 people. Not bad for a few hours of work.
Afterwards, they gave us a quick tour of the place and that is when my eyes were really opened. Most of the food used to come from donations by local food suppliers. But due to the economy, these donations have dwindled. Damaged food items used to account for 15% of their intake. But now these items are being sold oversees for a meager profit instead. Little by little, the economic decline has taken away the main food supply for these food banks, at a time when the community needs them most.
If you can’t donate time, why not send a check to your local food bank. Every bit helps.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
More than 30,000 men are injured annually from falling off ladders. More than 6,000 men die each year from falls involving ladders.
While I love the holidays, and don’t want to be a Grinch or anything, I have to admit that the thought of climbing on my roof each year terrifies me. I don’t mind the cold wind, the height, or having to dangle over the side just to string up the lights. I just don’t want to be “that guy” on the local news.
One of the worst parts of climbing on the roof is the neighborhood peanut gallery. One neighbor decided to yell “don’t fall” (gee, thanks jackass) while another stayed for half an hour to chat while I was on the roof. Of course, that meant we just yelled back and forth at each other because I wasn’t going to stop what I was doing and come down just for a neighborly chat.
Risk of death and chiding from the neighbors aside, I really don’t mind having a chore like this since it gives me an excuse to get out of the house. When you have a crying kid inside, sometimes risking your neck for a little peace and quiet doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. And when I’m up way the heck up there, and have a nice view of the city, there’s little to complain about.
Here’s a few tips for putting up the lights this year:
- Several Home Depot locations are doing a cash for clunkers deal where you can exchange your old lights for a few bucks off the new LED lights. I got 10 strands of LED lights this way, which not only saves me money in electricity, but also gave me an excuse to visit Home Depot.
- Some genius invented gutter and shingle clips for lights. These fantastic little pieces of plastic cost under $5 for a box, but save you hours of heartache. All you do is hook on the light and slip the clip under the roof shingle (or attach it to the gutter). With these, there’s no need for a staple gun, nails or anything else.
- Invest in a good ladder. You won’t need it just for the lights. If you’re a homeowner, you’ll need a ladder occasionally for home repair. Get a good expandable aluminum ladder and you won’t regret it.
- Home Depot has these neat outdoor timers and light sensors. I think they were around $15. Now you have the option of just plugging in your lights to this timer and they’ll turn on automatically at night and off in the morning. The light sensor does this based on when it gets dark and when the sun rises. I’m so glad that some genius invented these gadgets.
Be safe out there and don’t risk putting up the lights in the rain or wind. It isn’t worth it. Pay a neighbor kid a few bucks to break his neck for you.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Christmas Lights, Home Depot, How many men die every year from ladder related falls?, Ladders | 3 Comments »
Imagine opening the door to your house and seeing a coffin in the living room. On the couch are your roommates dressed as vampires. They are passing around a glass of Hawaiian Punch to their friends, all pretending to be drinking a chalice of blood. Yep – that’s what I saw one fateful night when I realized my roommates were the nuttiest bunch on the block.
Now I believe having roommates is one of those great passages in life that everyone should try. If you just live by yourself or live with mommy & daddy until marriage, then you are missing out on the wacky, crazy entertainment that only roommates can provide.
While the world has gone mad for the new Twilight movie, I can’t help but think of my forlorn roommates in their vampire costumes and wonder why people even care about this vampire obsession. I mean, aside from the Ashley Greene cover of Maxim Magazine, I can’t think of one good thing to come from all of this vampire hoopla.
I also had this feeling when the Lord of the Rings movies came out. Mind you, I was a LOTR fan at one time. I found the books at a yard sale and read them when I was a kid. I also used the books as supporting evidence for an 11th grade term paper where I argued that the character Pearl in the Scarlet Letter was really an elf in disguise (I got a C-, my only bad grade of the year). But again, my roommates spoiled the fun for me.
At that time, my roommates were into dressing up and heading to the park for role playing games every weekend. They had some elaborate costumes where they were elves and fairies and such. They made foam swords, shields and other “weapons” during the week. It was insane.
It only takes one look at your roommate in full elf regalia to make you want to avoid all that nonsense from there on out. Finding a coffin in the living room had the same effect. Within a month, those weirdoes were out o the street and replaced with regular old roommates who ate my food, drank my beer and forgot to pay their bills on time.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Ashley Greene, Coffins, Garlic, Roommates, Twilight, Vampires | 1 Comment »
